Dear Dyer - Bristol's favourite ''Agony Aunt''

Dear Dyer
I have just joined the club as player coach and I am worried that there is a growing trend of homosexuality in the club particularly on the pitch. Can you please put my mind at rest and tell me that it is male bonding and not that most of Imperial players’ fancy men.

Loving you work and rosy cheeks Big Gay Al

Dear Big Gay Al
Can I assure you that these actions are in fact all part of the game and nothing of a sexual nature takes place. However I do have to question what Mr Pullinger is doing to our club Captain; that appears to be quite suspect. In my day there would never have been all these type of thing going on. Now I look at your evidence closely I to am worried about what is going on and will look into it for you and let to lads know where they are going wrong because when I was Captain we were a lot better at it.

Please send me any more evidence you may have Al.

P.S glad you like my cheeks - all 4 of them.

Dear Dyer
I am having trouble finding a club I can settle at. After reading your very astute comments, on a range of subject, I think I like you. I especially like your comments on Brummies. You’re a wag! Lucky we live in a country where free speech and liberalism go hand in hand. Anyway, back to me. I am 26 years old and can play anywhere in the backs. People do snigger at the way I run but I don’t mind as long as they accept me for what I am. I am very outgoing and rather foxy and do rather a neat little party trick with a donkey and two house bricks. I do so hope you can help and fulfil my ambition to one day play for England.. Kind regards, RB.

Dear Dyer will advise you shortly

Dear Dyer
I was really disappointed this new years eve. I went to a house party but alas this is how I spent the evening , I couldn't get off the loo so the new years festivities were brought to me, we couldn't all fit in the smallest room in the house hence why the door is open, so everyone could come and wish me 'Happy New Year' I didn't get many kisses (I don't know why) even had me tongue out ready...perhaps you can explain that to me. Sad new Year Reveller.
Click here to see who.

Dear Dyer will advise you shortly

Dear Dyer
I am writing to you for some relationship advice. I am 27 years old and have been celibate for a number of years now as I have always wanted to wait until the time when the right girl would come along. I have recently fallen for someone that is all I would ever look for in a girl and I know she feels the same way about me too. I have known this girl for some time but it was only recently when I bumped into her in town that I realised there was a spark. We had a drink and talked for hours and the following day it was all I could think about. Since that night I have been in preparation to impress her and have plucked my eyebrows, shaved all of my body hair (including my chest, legs and places where the sun don't shine) and have invested in a device called a willy pump. I have been using the pump daily in order to build up 'The Little General' and will happily pump away whilst watching Eastenders or Coronation Street. There is only one thing putting me off taking things further with this girl......her dad. I am genuinely petrified of her dad and fear for my personal safety if he found out who I am. I want to try and talk to him about this but find that the only time possible is when we scrum down together in the front row. To make things worse this girl is only 16 years old...Dear Dyer is there a register for people like me?! I recently saw her walking home with her new boyfriend and I feel so heartbroken...what should I do? Yours despondently, Lonely heart

Dear Lonely heart
I ain't meaning to be funny mate but you might be dicing with a bit of trouble 'ere, I know 'er old man used to pick up cars and load em on 'is lorry by hand and he was a power lifter, best in the South West... of Bedminster YMCA. I mean in my day it was a lot different and not meaning to be funny, you ask Phil Bouch he'll back me up on this, he's got daughters an' all that - Pullin 'all back me up on this an'all - r Ju was only a young 'un when I first plucked 'er heart strings, fell for me staight away she did, r Ju, mind you I might not 'ave 'ad the looks and all that but I was alright in the Justin Timberlake department if you know what I mean but if that was r Carly that you were making lude suggestions about then don't even think about it. Good as gold r Carly is, she can pull em mind r Carly can.Wouldn't say no to tryin' the pump some time though mate though keep that one a secret if you don't mind. But no, best advise mate is grow a bit of stubble, I think you could do with a bit of protection in those scrums if you know what I mean.

Dear Dyer
Have you got any suggestions on how to sort out my fat
feet. First they swell up with gout then I get a foot
infection.....my big slabs keep getting stuck between the
pedals of my lorry and its left me looking like the hobbit
from lord of the rings. I have enclosed a picture for your
expert opinion. NJ

Well Nige
The thing is, you ask r Ju, I had the same problem once so i got r Ju to rub some stuff in them 20 times a day God bless 'er, good as gold she is and if she coudn't do it, you know if I was at work or whatever I'd just pull over and get one of me customers to sort it out, can't remember the name of the stuff but it f***ing stinks, the thing is when they're in that car with me I got complete control over them, you know what I'm saying Nige? Roy'll back me up on that.

Dear Dyer
I wish to remain anonymous, I have a problem whereby despite having lived in Bristol for a number of years I can't seem to shake off my Brummie accent. I wouldn't mind but every time I walk in a clothes shop the assistant insists on trying to sell me a shell suit. I tried to change my guise to looking like that bloke off the telly - is it Jonathon Creek? Yeh that's him, but still people don't take me seriously, also since I hurt my finger playing rugby I'm scared stiff to go anywhere near the ball on the deck when its bouncing around in open play for fear of the same thing happening again - any ideas? Yours anonymously, N T

Dear Nick
The thing is Nick, not meaning to be funny, you ask Kev he'll back me up on this, in r day we wouldn't think twice about going down on that ball but there was more passion then. I mean, cut me down the middle and I am myrtle green and amber and if r Toby was playing he'd be the same, you ask Bucks he'll back me up on that. By the way you owe me 2 quid for the bonus ball sorry mate but I can't f*** about like Pullin used to, it's that sort of thing that's dragging this club down, I only said that to r Ju the other day as she was giving me a massage, she's brilliant r J, one in a million. You know me mate I'm not biased at all, always a shoulder to cry on but can't help you with the accent situation I can't f***Ing stand Brummies

Dear Dyer
I am trying to find a rugby club that will accept gay players, without silly remarks being made in the showers after the game. I heard from my local village near Swansea that you welcomed the famous Coates Brothers and made them feel at home. Would it be the same for me? Will you let me be ‘the only gay in Imperial’ Probably! Well maybe! Oh shit!
Yours sincerely. Mostyn Griffiths.

Dear Mostyn
No problem at all mate just come on down on a Tuesday night, even if you don't have a run out I would suggest a rub down by Jim our physio, I've told him about you and he said he's waiting for you. The best thing to do is speak to Nigel Jones about coming on tour to break you in gently although don't think you'll be sharing a room with me, not meaning to be funny mate but I ain't into all that. I can't guarantee no silly remarks being made in the showers, I mean I've got no problems in that department, you ask r Ju. I'm pretty sure the Coates brothers were all straight although I think Tony's made a few porno's.